Perspective. Just do what you love.

An affirmation 

I had a chance to meet a friend of a friend who affirmed my passion and encouraged me to live life; it is comforting. I think the problem with me is when I decide on something, I do it immediately and do not think much of the consequences; I'm spontaneous like that. Not even sure if it's really a problem; most of the time it works for me, but sometimes, I hurt people along the way.

God has weird sense of humor  

Life has a funny way of telling you she's there, if it's God who does that, I'd like to understand more about his sense of humor because as much as what happened to me was painful, it's also ridiculously funny when I think about it.

For a while, I got lost in my comfort zone; I have a good job, made plans, I saved, I invested. For several years, it is as if life is going according to way I planned it to be. I thought I had a clear understanding of where I was and where I wanted to be (well for the most part) until an unfortunate event happened. Life, as I knew it, became meaningless.

When my savings got almost wiped out, I thought to myself, wow.. just like that, years of hard work were zapped in less than a month. Worse, I didn't spend it on myself, or on someone I love.. I spent it on someone who I hated almost my entire conscious life.

Take me back to the start 

Today, I feel that I just want to travel for a while, get lost, and hopefully be found again. My plans are ruined anyway, so what else am I to do but just adapt to the situation. Several times, I don't know whether to cry or to laugh at what life has given me; it is the kind that can make you snap and lose touch of reality. We have different ways of coping, but the important thing is we do cope eventually and move on with our life.

Anyway, I love good food and adding culture to my personality, so I bet mingling with different races will be a win-win situation for me. Plus, I may not have the chance to do this in the future. I'm 28, and everyone around me is either getting married or having children. But instead of being pressured to settle down, I'll do the opposite. I'm going to do just whatever the hell I like. This is my way of suicide.

A song playing in my head right now is Scientist by Coldplay.. specifically the line "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it will be this hard.. so take me back to the start". I just want to go back to the start when everything was simple. I know the line was taken out of context, haha!

Ok, I freaked myself out a bit

Below is a letter from my past self written four years ago dedicated to my present self. It kinda blew my mind because this is the first time I'm reading it again after I wrote it way way back in my Multiply blog. Luckily I saved this one. I'll include my inline replies, so here it goes...

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A letter to Manny Part II

Jun 12, '08 11:23 PM

This is one of the weirdest things I've done in my entire life.  3 years ago, I wrote a letter to my future self (10 or 20 years ahead) and I just read it now and it's really freaking me out, well for one because of my picture there, black and white, it's like I'm already dead or something haha!  The blog is located at http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-MKYBCjc8eqgPYzjyae797.OBrQ--?cq=1&p=119 for those who're interested in this weirdness.

[2012 manny] Ok, our Yahoo 360 blog doesn't exist anymore, I don't know if we saved it. I wish we did, and the fact that I'm referring to us in plural form is freaking me out! 

I want to write another letter, to my past self and to my not so far future self about 3-5 years in time so here it goes...

[2012 manny] Not bad :))) So before before it was black and white, and this one is sepia. Still look dead to me lol, next time I should use a colored one, or maybe effects like this is okay for added .. uhh ... effect. 

To my past self... technically that letter is not meant for me yet because I'm still the +3 years version of you.  Reading that letter again after a while made me realize how optimistic and passionate you were, and you still are, but in this time you are a little weary with the things that are happening around you.  I really like it when you said "because you might end up giving all your heart to her. If you lose her, you'll lose everything, andyan pa naman si God eh, don't forget that, when men fail you, God will not", and in this point in time I'm holding on to that truth.  

[2012 manny] Thank you for reminding me about this one.

I've disappointed you with the things I've done, I know, and I'm not proud of it.  My convictions have fallen to the ground but I'm slowly picking up the pieces. 

[2012 manny] Ok, I've done worse.

Funny I still am concerned with my simple joys and the littlest of things, how I still believe in "magic" and serendipity.  Still a hopeless romantic.  Mababaw lang naman tayo eh, and I think this who you are and it won't really change much.  

[2012 manny] Agree 100%, we'll be forever like this, gift and a curse thing.

Beyond the tragedies of life, I can still say that I'm doing good here, well in work, currently I'm slumped but pay is good and I still enjoy at what I do best, and in love life... hmmm wag nalang.  

[2012 manny] Would you believe I still work there, LOL, talk about loyalty.

I know you have tons of circle of friends there, and you still do here although you'd be surprised because what you thought were impossible like losing some friends, breaking hearts, and the likes took place here.  All hope is not lost though... sabi mo nga "Continue to be on fire for God there, remember, you cried your heart out because of His love"... Yep, I still remember.

[2012 manny] :)

Lastly for the coffee, because we love coffee and we continue to search for great coffee, right now I'm really loving Starbuck's Cappuccino, so much that I want to know how I can get to replicate its exact taste and aroma hehehe.  Maybe someday 

[2012 manny] I'm over Starbs cappuccino, I'm liking CBTL more.

To my future self, around 3-5 years in time...

[2012 manny] Yes; me time!!! It's been almost 4 years

It's almost midnight here, and here I am again, writing a letter.  If you can still remember, you were here in your Kuya's crib staring at your widescreen lcd monitor with your ever faithful computer named Lemon. 

[2012 manny] It's 11PM here, nakalaptop na ko ngayon, d ko na nagagamit si Lemon.

You already sold the old one, then painstakingly researched for the high end but affordable computer part by part and assembled it yourself and it was good.

I really do not have much to say to you, just a summary of what I learned here and I tell you, don't forget to love yourself, that's one thing you were struggling to do here, and don't lose yourself again because you drag people down along with you, you're like a virus and you become a menace to society hehehe.

[2012 manny] I'm starting to love myself, thankfully. I've already learned so much, and have better self control this time, well.. most of the time, just avoid getting too drunk.

As my past self said, continue holding on to God's promises.  You are currently single here and I don't know how long you can stay single because I know you always want a witness to your life.  

[2012 manny] Wow you're like a mind-reader, but I'm, once again, single.

You enjoyed one on one talks, not necessarily dating but just talking about stuff with another soul.

[2012 manny] If I enjoy talking with my past self, how much more with a present soul, LOL! It's just hard for me to find someone of the same wavelength, I'm a bit weird. hehe

You just watched a movie by yourself here (remember? Kung Fu Panda!) and found out it was not good doing it alone hehehe, so most probably upto your time there you haven't watched another movie without someone else by your side hahaha!

[2012 manny] Oh em, I remember. And yes, you are correct! I won't ever repeat that experience again!

Still haven't found the ultimate steak house, the one with thick, juicy yummy yet affordable steak, I know it's hard to find that, just like finding yourself if you can still vividly remember, but don't stop trying, you'll find it.

[2012 manny] Subic meat plus is good, House of Minis C5, Bugsys, and Gullivers are also good but no bestest steak ever, yet.

I trust you future manny, that you are now much better than what you were and you continue to bring life to the people around you.  Your life may not be as simple as it used to be, but it shouldn't let you down.

[2012 manny] Definitely became more complicated, but going back to the simple but happy life :)

This version of me is not really the most encouraging one don't you agree, but I'll get there, and move forward to who I'm destined to be... and destined to be WITH bwahahahaha! Woot! 

[2012 manny] Dar n, I need encouragement at this point in time but it's okay. Overall I'm happy with what I wrote 4 years ago. Maybe I'll write a similar letter again soon. I don't know if this thing is a disorder, like, am I on the verge of schizophrenia? Who cares, I enjoy this haha!

Me and My Own World

As an obsessed software developer, it's easy to get lost in the virtual world especially when you enjoy finding out how things work and get pleasure from creating things out of thin air. Programming is an art; you imagine stuff and then translate it into tangible forms.

I love playing god in my own little universe, it's highly addicting, like those farming or zombie-killing games. It's satisfying to have loyal minions, ready to do your bidding as long as you speak their language.

I remember the movie, Matrix, the part where Neo saw the world as a series of green zeroes and ones. It's sad, really, to see the world in this simplistic manner. To see oneself as a brain contained within a human body, instead of a human being with a rational mind. To expect that for every request there's a response. Maybe this is my defense mechanism; thank God he keeps me sane, almost.

My mind always wanders. When I look at you with a blank stare, or when I suddenly space-out, or when I just smile pretending to have a clue of what's going on around me, please don't be offended. It's just me thinking of my next plan to tell them darn machines what to do. Hopefully I won't timeout on you :)